Wondering if I’ll ever connect to music quite as viscerally as I did from the ages of 14-17.
Wondering if you do/go/listen/write/smell/generally experience something that is nostalgic to you, will it lose its nostalgia? What becomes of that nostalgic association when you begin to live it every day
Yoohoo! Anyone out there?
I feel like I’m venturing into a dusty attic when I come to this blog. Not the most flattering portrayal, I know, but it’s quite accurate. Also, I am aware that I keep coming back here to say that I keep forgetting to come back here. So I figured it’s about time to own up to these every-so-often cop out blog posts: I’m rusty. That’s why this place feels like an old dusty attic. It’s filled with memories that I can (figuratively) pick up and read, turn over in my mind and smile/cringe/laugh/get nostalgic about. Lately, when I come here I find myself only reading old posts and not creating new ones. I’m not quite sure when I lost my mojo and became this rusty writer who only comes here to write about how she doesn’t write, and read her old posts with this sense of…longing. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. It’s like I feel like I’ve lost this ‘talent’ (we’ll use that very loosely — don’t think I’m calling myself Caroline Foster Wallace). I feel like writing used to be ‘my thing’ and now it’s not and I don’t know when that happened, and I think for a while I thought I was okay with it, but I realize I’m not okay with it. I’m not okay with the fact that I spent all fours years in college writing and reading and analyzing texts and I don’t do any of that anymore. I don’t write anything. I don’t read as much as I should and would like to, save for our monthly book club book*. I guess what really irks me the most is that writing used to come easy to me, and now it doesn’t. It feels awkward and stumbling and fumbling. I used to people-watch and think about stories I wanted to write. Granted, I never wrote half those stories, but I find I rarely even think like that anymore. I rarely have that thought in my mind that sparks the first few lines of a potential short story. Recently, I went through all of the “Notes” on my iPhone. Buried way back there, way back in the past, were some ideas for stories. Now, my notes are grocery lists, locker combination codes, and names of restaurants I keep meaning to try but always seem to forget to check my Notes when figuring out a place to dine. I digress.
I guess it’s all connected, though. If I’m not reading I’m not inspired to write. If I’m not writing, I’m not inspired to keep writing and reading new material to keep me going. I’ve been out of college for two years this May, and I guess I’m really feeling the distance between the ‘real world’ and college. Sure, I miss the social life at college and all that went with that. But, I did not anticipate my mind to change so much. It’s not like I got less intelligent, or something (I hope not!), but without classes and professors and stimulating classmates, I haven’t pushed myself in the literary realm. I’m in graduate school now, but art school is different and I’m never really asked to write, and if I am, the writing is much overlooked and layout and design are viewed in its place. Which makes sense, but I’m just still not used to it quite yet. And I don’t think I want to be used to it, which is my whole point, I think. Even though I’ve sort of gone through this “change” where I used to think reading/writing was ‘my thing’ and now I’m pursuing a Masters degree in Communication Design, I’m not willing to let go of my ‘original thing.’ And I realize, now, that it was silly of me to think I had to let go of one thing I was good at and loved, to make room for another. But, I did let go, and now I’m rusty and embarrassed and climbing my way back to where I was.
So now what? Do I make (potentially empty) promises to myself to read more and write more? I know myself, and sometimes those promises don’t hold up—read two posts below if you really want to see a good example. I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll write and keep things to myself, maybe I’ll write and post here. Maybe I’ll read and not write at all. Maybe I’ll write and not read as much as I want. Maybe I’ve just had a pivotal moment and I’ll be a reading/writing machine. Who knows. (I guess the answer is supposed to be: me, but I’m notoriously indecisive.)
I’d say, what I’m taking away from this evening, is that I spent some time writing and it felt good and bad and weird and nice at the same time and I kind of liked feeling all of those feelings. And I kind of feel like this kind of post belongs on LiveJournal, but I can’t remember my old password, so here it will live on Caroline A Broad.
*I am grateful for our book club for giving me at least once a month of kind of critical thinking about a book. Granted we tend to get distracted by talking about our own lives, at least it forces me to sit down and really think about a book among peers, even if just for a few minutes.
Oops. Not keeping up too much of my ‘write more on the blog’ new years resolution, but if you (whoever you are), would like to know where I actually am, you can check out my latest class blog: carolinedigital. There’s not been a post in a little while because I can’t quite figure out how to post a video that I created in Flash. When I figure out how to upload the animation that I’ve been working on, I will. I’m proud of it, so far!
I’m also in the process up revamping/updating my personal website: www.carolinewurtzel.com so you can ch-ch-check it out as well. More to come!
This morning I got a cheerful e-mail from Tumblr wishing me and my blog (are we one entity?) a happy fifth birthday. As I stood on the Subway platform and read this e-mail I spent a minimal, but kind of intense amount of time reacting to this tidbit of information. Five years?! Five years since I went abroad?! No way. And I was right! No way! You were wrong, Tumblr. I started this blog in August 2010. Not sure where you got 5 years from, but I still have time to have a full-blown omg-it’s-been-five-years-since-abroad-that-means-it’s-been-four-years-since-graduation reaction. But, the e-mail was a lovely little reminder of this blog (after all, wasn’t that the purpose of the e-mail anyway?), and that I’ve neglected this blog more in the past six months than I have in it’s 3 year 4 month life.
So, I’m back! At least for now. I had been cheating on this blog with Wordpress (gasp), at the behest of my Color Workshop class. You can check out this blog, here if you so wish. That blog is over & done with for now, but it was kind of nice to write a blog alongside a class…I’m contemplating doing it for future classes throughout my grad school career. It helped me reflect more on the process of my assignments through writing and photography. However, next time I cheat on this blog with an academic one, I’ll post it here.
Anyway, I kind of came back to post some New Years Resolutions like every other blog on the Internet (do we still capitalize that word?). For me, posting my resolutions is a completely selfish endeavor aimed at actually trying to keep the resolutions by putting them in writing. I’m not evengoing to explain them because they’re pretty self-explanatory. Here goes nuthin:
So, there they are. Let’s see if I can keep ‘em. I think they’re all pretty do-able and I’ve already started on some of them. Also, I make it a resolution every year to stop picking my cuticles (yeah, it’s a gross habit), but that never seems to work. It’s in the back of my head, though. I plan on painting my nails tonight..not sure if that counts as helping the cuticle problem, but I’ll tell myself it does.
So, that’s that. Hello again, Tumblr & the 3 people who still read this blog! See ya soon.
Gray to light in one, two steps. Splash cold water to rid an anxious dream and a puffy face. Type and scroll until hungry.
Crowds chatter about “last night” while they order “a plain bagel with cream cheese and lox. Cucumbers on the side, please.” Everyone favors the tan, pony-tail man with the Ray-Bans and orange t-shirt. They make his coffee right away, even though three people are still waiting for their own small/medium/large.
Slow subway ride. Realization that headphones are in another bag. Switching purses is always tricky. A girl talks too loudly about herself; it is too loud to read. Come above ground and it’s bright in a good way. Squint to look out the window and see the view, but the train dips back underground. But, the designated stop arrives above ground, and that’s nice.
Everything in the park is green: the grass and the trees and the water. There are bees in the grass but they don’t really bother anyone. Good company talks about an array of things including tattoos and swans until it’s time to fold up blankets and tapestries.
Air conditioning while dipping french fries into Frostys is nice. A little girl holds open the door on the way out.
The subway ride home is faster. Going above ground, over the bridge, is still bright in a good way.
"What is your religion?" said Dorothea. "I mean — not what you know about religion, but the belief that helps you most?"
"To love what is good and beautiful when I see it," said Will. — Middlemarch, George Eliot
Rules: Pretty self-explanatory. Say two truths, and one lie about yourself, so that people can get to know you. So, two (doodle) statements below are true, and one is a lie. Guess which one! This shouldn’t be that hard… I just felt like trying new things (ie: doodles) on this tumblr space!
1) I watch Downton Abbey because it’s emotionally cathartic.
2) I am a natural redhead!
3) I prefer iced coffee to hot coffee, any day, no matter the temperature outside. [Side note: This isn’t depicted in the doodle, but I’d stretch this sentiment toward milkshakes vs. hot chocolate, if those can be compared in a hot/cold kind of way, and if they can’t, then I still choose milkshake > hot chocolate any day. Brr.]
The end! These are probably 3 extremely easy examples for the game, so I probably won’t post the correct answer, or whatever. But, I think I’ll continue the game for doodle’s sake, and because it was fun to do on a cloudy Sunday.